Change your story and live with intention in 2018
The stories we tell ourselves
“I’m treating myself to this cake, I deserve it. It’s been a hard week, I need this treat. I’ve got this horrible job to do, I’ll treat myself as I work” These are some of the stories we can tell ourselves but what happens when that treat becomes a daily thing, twice daily… let’s be real sometimes even more than that? Soon the treat becomes a part of life and punctuates our daily habits, then we can’t do without it.
Now I’ve got no problem with treating yourself to cake, chocolate or wine. You can eat and drink what you please. However if you’re after an intentional life driven by living out your calling and flourishing in your best life then you know deep down it’s not always ok. Our inner dialogue is our story. We have stories that help and stories that hinder. That voice that whispers or shouts, it’s telling us stories. It’s up to us, do we listen to this story and keep retelling it, or do we need to write a new one?
Let’s take the situation in the opening paragraph. Treats feel good, they lift our spirits and make us feel fuzzy and warm. What starts out as a well deserved treat encroaches into our life, untill life and the treats become one. The treat or habit stops helping and bringing that good feeling. Now we can’t find happiness or peace without the treat. We need the treat to get back on an even keel. The story that was once true becomes a lie. Listen, stop, what did you tell yourself when you reached for the cigarette, poured the wine, dropped £100 in Selfridges, ate the whole tub of ice cream. If you quieten yourself you hear it. The story, the reason, the excuse, the justification.
Do you really need a treat because you simply did your job? If stress is often a part of your life or job, will a treat really offer the long term solution? I know it can seem like it in the moment. But how do you feel after? Do you get that anti climax, your heart dips, you get that icky feeling and the little joy has gone. You’re left feeling flat, disappointed in yourself and worse than before. So how do we turn that around?
Tell yourself the real story
The first thing to do is listen to the story you are telling yourself in the moment. Listen to it and then question it. Is this the truth, is this really how it is? Or is this a story I’ve adopted and told myself as a cushion, a reason why, an excuse. If it is then say it. Simply call it out for what it is. Just say it ‘I want to eat this cake or drink this wine because I think it will help make me feel better. I am feeling stressed out because I’ve got a lot to do and feel behind’. When we say it as we see it, simply call it for what it is, it loses some of its power. Sometimes that alone will help us make a better choice, sometimes it won’t but it breaks the power of being connected to the story. It helps break the link and helps us to change our default.
Feel it out
Some things don’t feel good, sometimes we hurt, sometimes we feel stressed. Say what it is and sit with it a moment. It’s a feeling you’re experiencing and it feels bad, but that’s ok. You don’t have to mask it or cover over it. Name the feeling or emotion, allow yourself to feel it. Don’t judge yourself for having that emotion or feeling. Don’t try get rid of it by jumping straight to that treat/ coping device.
What is it really about
Note what else is coming up with that feeling? Is it a cycle of emotions? What is it that you fear, what are the raw thoughts that link to that feeling? Usually there is a more basic fear that comes up, it’s not always the situation more that the situation brings up certain ideas or stories. The story we aren’t good enough, the story that we’re too different to be accepted. Acknowledge how you’re feeling, what you’re thinking, and what it really is about.
Journal & Self Care
When we aren’t taking care of ourself its easy to find situations harder, to have less patience and lose our temper. We then fall into feeling bad about our reaction and feeling bad. This is a downward spiral. Break the spiral by finding some self care activities that you can do in the moment, some that can become part of your day and some bigger splurges. Use a journal to write out your feelings. Start to change the narrative that’s been playing in your head and start to take in the truth that you are enough, you have unique gifts and talents to share with others, you are worthy.
Have a look at our list of self care ideas and free self care planner here. Explore your feelings by journaling. Getting things on paper helps with getting them out of your head.
Rewrite your story
Take responsibility for your feelings and start changing your story. You don’t have to keep telling yourself the same thing, you can begin to tell yourself something new. Take the time to think about how you want to feel, how do you want to react in certain situations? Write it down. Write about the situation you face, what are the real feelings behind it? what’s the core belief underneath it all? what is actually true? how do you want to feel? what is the new way of being that you want? Write down some ways you can start to embrace this new story. Start to tell and retell your new story to yourself. When you face a challenenge call it what is, tell yourself the truth of the matter and remind yourself of the new story that you’re committing to.
Use this worksheet to help you work through.
Click here to download Letter size then click on the image to open the pdf
Click here to download A4 size then click on the image to open the pdf
